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A Seal of Suede
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畢泠 江山如畫
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| 發帖人 主題標題： | A Seal of Suede 回覆數: 8 點數: 877 | 第 1 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-08 03:14
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A Seal of Suede 摘自 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-08 03:14 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl 清晨 有霧的湖上 醒著 如仙子清靈秀逸的 容顏 無沾染那歲月的塵埃 靜謐 我沉浸在妳的溫柔 倚岸柳樹斜著 悵然 妳拂去我的悲傷 輕輕地 又悄然而逝 化成天邊的一抹雲彩 微紅 總是 妳匆匆來去， 總是 妳不留一點痕跡 黎明將起 依然湖濱佇立 等待 妳的翩翩 再一次 在我眼簾 覆上喜亮金澤的光衣 ＿A Seal of Suede Dawning, the mist over the lake, flowing. So delicate like fairy's enchanted face, As never been aged, Flawless and charming. I indulge myself in her tenderness of silence. Leaning, an old willow, sighing for sorrow, You came along like wonder, Wiped away my tears, so gentle. Then faded to dim in morning glow. Always, you come swiftly then fade. As usual, leaves no mark to trace. The dawn is again on the way, Stood by lake, I shall wait, For the longings of my ecstasy. My eyes await the golden suede. -- A seal of Tenderness and Love. A Seal of Suede （修正） ＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝ 0110 湖上 有霧的清晨 醒著 如仙子清靈秀逸的 容顏 無沾染那歲月的塵埃 靜裡 我沉浸在妳的溫柔 倚岸柳樹悵然 斜著 妳拂去我的悲傷 輕輕地 又悄然而走 化成天邊的一抹雲彩 嫣紅 (紅泥 ) 總是 妳匆匆來去， 總是 妳不留一點痕跡 黎明將起 依然湖濱佇立 等待 再一次 我眼簾上 覆蓋那喜亮金澤的光衣 (印記) (象徵/朦朧派) ＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝0108am 之前一個有霧的清晨寫的中文詩，今試作四行詩． A Seal of Suede Dawning, the mist over the lake waking, Your fair and enchanting face. Appearing with no time’s trace, With silence, I indulge in your loving coddling. As a tilted old willow, You washed away my sorrow. But soon, we will be parting, As morning clouds, you will be yielding. Always, you come and fade. Yet, I always longing for your merciful comforts. As the day’s dawn flirts, My eyes, awaits your golden suede. 湖上有霧的清晨，醒著 像仙子清澈秀逸的顏容 脫盡歲華的塵埃 以沉默 我沉浸在妳仁慈的溫柔裡 斜岸老樹如我 輕輕地，妳拂去我的疲憊 而妳將離去 化作天邊的第一片雲彩 妳來來去去，總是 而我 總是奢望妳無私的撫慰 且隨著漸明 等待妳透著金澤的光衣 披上我的眼簾 天下文壇 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-08 03:14 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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| 回覆： | Dear Yaya, ----Read . | 第 2 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-08 03:14
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Dear Yaya, ----Read . 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:14 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl Dear Yaya, Read the message you left at the Chinese Forum. I am proud of you. There is always room for improvement. Good to know that you are happy about your discovering and solutions. And yet, it's a big relief for me- on this piece, I had the comments written 2 days already, but was hesitating to post. You are very creative; just need more practices on arranging the words to proper position. Further, I am not experience enough to give advise on something serious. I might be wrong on the stuffs that I assume right. Anyway, good to know that you are brave enough to take the pouch. So here goes the comments, don’t faint. I know you work hard on this pc even to have it all rhymed, but it still needs to add a connection to it. Also, the expression is not proper; we will finalize all these after finishing setting the Chinese. .............................................................................................................................. . A Seal of Suede Dawning, the mist over the lake waking, Your clear and enchanting face. Appearing with no time’s trace, With silence, I indulge in your loving coddling. As a tilted old willow, You washed away my sorrow. But soon, we will be parting, As morning clouds, you will be yielding. Always, you come and fade. Yet, I always longing for your merciful comforts. As the day’s dawn flirts, My eyes, awaits your golden suede. 很抱歉，我對新詩並不熟悉，只是談談感覺，如有冒犯，請海涵。 此篇詩作，文字很有創意，但段落中缺乏感情或動作的交集，張力不足。有些贅字可以除去或修飾。感覺上像分散的句子堆在一起，並不自然，沒有連貫起來的文氣。基本上，主題清楚，流暢是基本的要求。起承轉合，中英詩詞均同。您很用心，有歌頌的心情，但是文字的感覺不夠認真，缺乏連接的字眼，反而有點隨興輕率的感覺，感情無法流露出來。 您可以參考一些詩集，感受其他詩人對事物的描寫、情感的表達，以及如何連接段落....等。這樣對您的遣詞用句會有很大的幫助。 主題是霧還是？ The Seal of Suede 可以解釋一下嗎？它的音很好聽，但是意思是否相符？用 suede 形容光會不會太沉重？還有一點，作詩不是造句，要有一點點含蓄的感覺，最好不要使用太直接或平白的文字，比較有韻味。 湖上有霧的清晨，醒著 像仙子清澈秀逸的顏容—清靈比較好 ，顏容改容顏較順 脫盡歲華的塵埃 – 用不沾或不染 以沉默 – 沉默與溫柔無法相應，改靜謚 我沉浸在妳仁慈的溫柔裡---重複的感覺 試試看，做參考： 清晨，薄霧氰氤， 越湖而來 ﹝擁湖徘徊﹞ 如仙子清靈秀逸的 風采， 不沾染歲月的塵埃 靜謚， 我沉醉於妳的溫柔﹝沉浸﹞ 輕倚斜岸柳樹， 悵然 妳拂去我的悲傷， 輕輕地，隨風， 又悄然消逝 ﹝或—而後﹞ 淡入天邊的雲彩﹝化成天際間的一抹雲彩﹞ 微紅 總是， 妳悠然來去， 難捨，﹝或─總是，重複﹞ 妳的溫柔神秘 黎明將起 仍在湖濱佇立 等待妳 穿透晨曦的光暈﹝穿透金澤的光衣﹞ 輕撫我的眼眸 再一次 沉醉於妳的溫柔 ..................................................................................... 湖上有霧的清晨，醒著 像仙子清澈秀逸的顏容 脫盡歲華的塵埃 以沉默 我沉浸在妳仁慈的溫柔裡 斜岸老樹如我 輕輕地，妳拂去我的疲憊 而妳將離去 化作天邊的第一片雲彩 妳來來去去，總是 而我 總是奢望妳無私的撫慰 且隨著漸明 等待妳透著金澤的光衣 披上我的眼簾 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:14 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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| 回覆： | Dear Yaya, ----Noted. | 第 3 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-08 03:15
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Dear Yaya, ----Noted. 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:15 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl Dear Yaya, Noted that you have made changes to the poem, will come back later after read it thru. By the way, after the changes made to the post, if you need further attention on the post, then please post a small note, just to tell you changed it at the original column, then we can work from there. Just want to make sure no post is ignored by negligence, as the editing (changes made at the existed column) will not be shown on the index page. We won't know it until clicking the post link and read the contents. You are very talented, and creative too, Good-luck! All the best 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:15 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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| 回覆： | These are the new versio. | 第 4 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-08 03:15
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These are the new versio. 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:15 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl These are the new versions, right? Will work from here and come back later for English part. A Seal of Suede 湖上 -- 與清晨換個位置感覺可能更好。 有霧的清晨 醒著 如仙子清靈秀逸的 容顏 無沾染那歲月的塵埃 靜裡--- 裡字不妥 我沉浸在妳的溫柔 倚岸柳樹悵然 -- The willow is feeling sorrow? or the person. 斜著 --- 斜著與倚同意，悵然可與上段的醒著對稱，斜著沒有情緒，無法與醒者交流。身體與心靈 妳拂去我的悲傷 輕輕地 又悄然而走 -- 用去、逝、逸，或 逝去、逸去、消逸會比﹝走﹞好。 化成天邊的一抹雲彩 -- 無妨。不過，霧會消逝，淡入比較有留紅的感覺。 嫣紅 (紅泥 ) -- 嫣有艷的感覺，微紅，兩種思考方向都可 總是 妳匆匆來去， 總是 妳不留一點痕跡 黎明將起 依然湖濱佇立 等待 妳的翩然.......加一句如例， 或其他-- 妳的 ......... 再一次 我眼簾上 -- 在我眼簾 覆蓋那喜亮金澤的光衣 (印記) --- 蓋上溫柔金澤的印記，覆上溫柔金澤的光衣 (象徵/朦朧派) ＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝0108am 之前一個有霧的清晨寫的中文詩，今試作四行詩． A Seal of Suede Dawning, the mist over the lake waking, Your fair and enchanting face. Appearing with no time’s trace, With silence, I indulge in your loving coddling. As a tilted old willow, You washed away my sorrow. But soon, we will be parting, As morning clouds, you will be yielding. Always, you come and fade. Yet, I always longing for your merciful comforts. As the day’s dawn flirts, My eyes, awaits your golden suede. 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:15 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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| 回覆： | A Seal of Suede ----. | 第 5 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-08 03:15
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A Seal of Suede ----. 摘自 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-08 03:15 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl A Seal of Suede 清晨 有霧的湖上 醒著 如仙子清靈秀逸的 容顏 無沾染那歲月的塵埃 靜謐 我沉浸在妳的溫柔 倚岸柳樹斜著 ．．．（自擬柳樹） 悵然 妳拂去我的悲傷 輕輕地 又悄然而逝 將化成天邊的一抹雲彩 ．（當時霧正散著，朝陽初透，聯想霧將化成喜亮雲彩） 映紅 總是 （此時，霧已散盡） 妳匆匆來去， 總是 妳不留一點痕跡 黎明將起 依然湖濱佇立 等待 妳的翩翩 再一次 在我眼簾 覆上喜亮金澤的光衣 ．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．．． (浪漫/自由派) 霧是溫柔輕輕，朝霞是喜亮翩翩．同一個妳，不曾離去． 恰如雨滴與彩虹，愁與歡，皆在一瞬間如約相繼而來． Life is always promising! 天下文壇 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-08 03:15 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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| 回覆： | For your reference:﹝�. | 第 6 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-08 03:16
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For your reference:﹝�. 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:16 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl For your reference:﹝還不太順，需要再磨磨 .....﹞ A Seal of Suede Dawning, the mist over the lake, flowing. So delicate like fairy's enchanted face, As never been aged, Flawless and charming. I indulge myself in her tenderness of silence. The delicacy like fairy's enchanted face I enjoyed her tenderness in the silence. Leaning on old willow, sighing for sorrow, You came along like wonder, Wiped away my tears with gentle. Then faded away to dim in morning glow. Stood by lake like an old willow, You came along while I sigh So gentle, wiped away my sorrow, Then faded to dim in morning glow, in sky. Always, you come swiftly then fade. As usual, leaves no mark to trace. The dawn is again on the way, Stood by lake, I shall wait, For the longings of my ecstasy. My eyes await the golden suede. -- A seal of Tenderness and Love. For the hunger towards in ecstasy, ........................................................................................................................... A Seal of Suede 清晨 有霧的湖上 醒著 如仙子清靈秀逸的 容顏 無沾染那歲月的塵埃 靜謐 我沉浸在妳的溫柔 倚岸柳樹斜著 .... 已經靠岸了，感覺不出是自擬。若自擬，宜於句首處加如、若或其他字..... 悵然 妳拂去我的悲傷 輕輕地 又悄然而逝 將化成天邊的一抹雲彩 --- better delete it, your choice 映紅 --- so so 總是 妳匆匆來去， 總是 妳不留一點痕跡 黎明將起 依然湖濱佇立 等待 妳的翩翩 再一次 在我眼簾 覆上喜亮金澤的光衣 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:16 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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| 回覆： | Just to let you know tha. | 第 7 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-08 03:16
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Just to let you know tha. 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:16 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl Just to let you know that the line 3 on this para has been changed. The dawn is again on the way, Stood by lake, I shall wait, For the longings of my ecstasy. My eyes await the golden suede. -- A seal of Tenderness and Love. For the hunger towards in ecstasy, Eager, Eagerness 也可以參考。 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:16 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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| 回覆： | A Seal of Suede ----. | 第 8 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-08 03:16
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A Seal of Suede ----. 摘自 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-08 03:16 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl A Seal of Suede 清晨 有霧的湖上 醒著 如仙子清靈秀逸的 容顏 無沾染那歲月的塵埃 靜謐 我沉浸在妳的溫柔 倚岸柳樹斜著 悵然 妳拂去我的悲傷 輕輕地 又悄然而逝 化成天邊的一抹雲彩 微紅 總是 妳匆匆來去， 總是 妳不留一點痕跡 黎明將起 依然湖濱佇立 等待 妳的翩翩 再一次 在我眼簾 覆上喜亮金澤的光衣 ＿A Seal of Suede Dawning, the mist over the lake, flowing. So delicate like fairy's enchanted face, As never been aged, Flawless and charming. I indulge myself in her tenderness of silence. Leaning, an old willow, sighing for sorrow, You came along like wonder, Wiped away my tears, so gentle. Then faded to dim in morning glow. Always, you come swiftly then fade. As usual, leaves no mark to trace. The dawn is again on the way, Stood by lake, I shall wait, For the longings of my ecstasy. My eyes await the golden suede. -- A seal of Tenderness and Love. A Seal of Suede 天下文壇 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-08 03:16 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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| 回覆： | 寒鴉詞長好！ --<. | 第 9 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-08 03:17
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寒鴉詞長好！ --<. 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:17 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl 寒鴉詞長好！ 久違了！希望您一切都好！ Blue and Green 是兩組選擇的參考，您確定要全部放進詩裡？ 還是再看看，然後 finalize it. .... Happy New Year! ＿A Seal of Suede Dawning, the mist over the lake, flowing. So delicate like fairy's enchanted face, As never been aged, Flawless and charming. I indulge myself in her tenderness of silence. The delicacy like fairy's enchanted face I enjoyed her tenderness in the silence. Leaning, an old willow, sighing for sorrow, You came along like wonder, Wiped away my tears, so gentle. Then faded to dim in morning glow. Always, you come swiftly then fade. As usual, leaves no mark to trace. The dawn is again on the way, Stood by lake, I shall wait, For the longings of my ecstasy. My eyes await the golden suede. -- A seal of Tenderness and Love. A Seal of Suede 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-08 03:17 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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