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天下文壇 > 英文詩苑 > [Troy]   畢泠  江山如畫  
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  發帖人 主題標題:  [Troy]        回覆數: 4 點數: 1781  第 1 樓 

   l.a.tim




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   時間:2005-05-08 01:19    編輯主題 引用回覆 檢視作者資料 給作者發悄悄話 檢視作者的所有帖子 版主操作 刪除主題    到頂端

   [Troy]
   摘自 天下文壇   l.a.tim  2005-05-08 01:19
http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl

1 I watched the movie Troy last weekend, and put together this:

[Troy]

What did a king want declaring a war,
land, power, women, treasure, or glory?
What did soldiers battle and die for,
their kings, or the gods told in the story?

Good for the weak that made to escape,
before the brutal enemies arrived.
Hope they found a place to grow wheat and grape,
thus their children had forever survived.

When will human beings learn to live in peace?
No gods or lords can demand one to die.
Unfortunately, fights never cease,
as foretold by a poet who had no eye.
    天下文壇  天下文壇 l.a.tim  2005-05-08 01:19
http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl

  


靖節折腰緣採菊 濂溪明性獨褒蓮
回覆:  This is a good piece. Mi.        第 2 樓 

   畢泠




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   時間:2005-05-08 01:20    編輯主題 引用回覆 檢視作者資料 給作者發悄悄話 檢視作者的所有帖子 版主操作 刪除主題    到頂端

   This is a good piece. Mi.
   摘自 天下文壇   畢泠  2005-05-08 01:20
http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl

1 此貼您已經花了1 園閱讀費,可以閱讀 *@@* 了,要看仔細
貼主共投資了 10 園血本,每份定價 1 園出售
貼主目前虧損 -9
購買者1人
  1 1

This is a good piece. Minor changes made only.
The 3 Para's finishing is not strong enough to go with others.
It did not answer the question brought up.

However, the rhyme work is good. ﹝口氣太白了些,其他 OK﹞
Have patched up one line for your reference; please see the lines in blue.

....................................................................................................................

[Troy]

What did a king want declaring a war,
land, power, women, treasure, or glory?
What did soldiers battle and die for,
their kings, or the gods told in the story?

Good for the weak that made to escape,
before the brutal enemies did arrive.
Hope they found places to grow wheat and grape,
thus their children could forever survive.

When will human beings learn to live in peace?
No gods or laws should demand one to die.
Unfortunately, fights continue and never cease,
as prophecy foretold by a poet who had no eye.

When will human beings learn to live in peace?
No gods or laws should order or risk one's life.
Unfortunately, fights continue and never cease,
no good reasons but the greedy are at strife.

..................................................................................................

[Troy]

What did a king want declaring a war,
land, power, women, treasure, or glory?
What did soldiers battle and die for,
their kings, or the gods told in the story?

Good for the weak that made to escape,
before the brutal enemies arrived.
Hope they found a place to grow wheat and grape,
thus their children had forever survived.

When will human beings learn to live in peace?
No gods or lords can demand one to die.
Unfortunately, fights never cease,
as foretold by a poet who had no eye.


    天下文壇  天下文壇 畢泠  2005-05-08 01:20
http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl

  


漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣,給您最大的祝福 ...
回覆:  第一段可以有不同.        第 3 樓 

   畢泠




討論區負責人
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   時間:2005-05-08 01:20    編輯主題 引用回覆 檢視作者資料 給作者發悄悄話 檢視作者的所有帖子 版主操作 刪除主題    到頂端

   第一段可以有不同.
   摘自 天下文壇   畢泠  2005-05-08 01:20
http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl

第一段可以有不同的組織,藍色是比較完整的句型參考。
....................................................................................................................

[Troy]

What did a king want declaring a war?
Land, power, women, treasure, or glory?
What did soldiers battle and die for?
Their kings, or the Gods told in the story?
Glory, land, women, treasure, or power?
As God’s tale in story or their kings order?

Why did a king want to declare a war?
For land, women, treasure, or desire of power?
What did soldiers battle and die for?
For Honor or care? Nothing but follows order.

Why did a king want to declare a war?
For land, women, treasure, or people require?
What did soldiers battle and die for?
For Honor or care? Not any but greedy desire.

For land, women, treasure, or power?
For land, women, treasure, or power desire?
For honor, victory or order, never people require?

韻字參考
Desire, admire, empire, fire, inspire, tire, wire
Greedy desire, power desire, people require?
.............................................................................
    天下文壇  天下文壇 畢泠  2005-05-08 01:20
http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl

  


漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣,給您最大的祝福 ...
回覆:  Ya..., the grammer of th.        第 4 樓 

   l.a.tim




分區管理員
積 分:14680
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來 自:大海之隅

 

   時間:2005-05-08 01:24    編輯主題 引用回覆 檢視作者資料 給作者發悄悄話 檢視作者的所有帖子 版主操作 刪除主題    到頂端

   Ya..., the grammer of th.
   摘自 天下文壇   l.a.tim  2005-05-08 01:24
http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl

Ya..., the grammer of the first section did bother me a lot. The word "want" was probably not appropriate after all, because "want to" was a common phrase, not showing the desire of a king.

Another thing was, if I broke the first 2 lines into 2 sentences as you did:

What did a king want declaring a war?
Land, power, women, treasure, or glory?

Then, the 2nd line has no verb. Is it OK in poetry?

Thanks for your attention.
    天下文壇  天下文壇 l.a.tim  2005-05-08 01:24
http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl

  


靖節折腰緣採菊 濂溪明性獨褒蓮
回覆:  1) Would suggest to use .        第 5 樓 

   畢泠




討論區負責人
積 分:5651
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   時間:2005-05-08 01:25    編輯主題 引用回覆 檢視作者資料 給作者發悄悄話 檢視作者的所有帖子 版主操作 刪除主題    到頂端

   1) Would suggest to use .
   摘自 天下文壇   畢泠  2005-05-08 01:25
http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl

1) Would suggest to use (want to declare) the war instead of (want declaring), so it wont lose the weight.
2) Breaking to 2 sentences would a better choice than one.
3) I don't think there will be problem to have no Verb in line, but would suggest to add for or something at the beginning.
4) Would not suggest to put "glory" in 2nd line to answer first line War question, as Glory usually used in holy... you may say "a glorious victory" but not fight for glory, unless it's a religious war. Honor would be a better word. But really prefer to use it at the Soldiers part -- to die for honor, it's a better place to set this word.

Well, That'll be all, just some thoughts to share, nothing too serious at all. Be cool!

........................................................................................................................................


雅虎中英字典
http://chinese.dictionary.yahoo.com/dict?s=glory&Get%26nbsp%3BWord=%ACd%A6r

劍橋英文字典
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/define.asp?key=103347&dict=CALD


    天下文壇  天下文壇 畢泠  2005-05-08 01:25
http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl

  


漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣,給您最大的祝福 ...
 
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