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天下文壇
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英文詩苑
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__The Missing Forest
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畢泠 江山如畫
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| 發帖人 主題標題： | __The Missing Forest 回覆數: 13 點數: 1286 | 第 1 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 22:51
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__The Missing Forest 摘自 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 22:51 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl 1 The Missing Forest Where my soul to bound Through this wonder of fate through this forest of my un-ceased youth This is the imagination in movement of the growing leaps of my ecstasy The midday light is nothing but your brilliance like a full kiss from the Interior oasis =============== 這失憶的林間 潛藏 繫著我的魂 迴盪 緣盡 緣滅 緣生 緣起 不盡的是你 依然的呼吸如昨 不滅的是我 新染的青春如昔 在這被遺忘的 林間 讓 我的異想推前 行進 讓 那忘了的我 跳越飛奔 你帶走的我 我留下的你 再一度 在此相遇 晌午的陽光 不是別的 就是你 和你的燦然 如同綠洲裡 冒出來的 一個全然深吻 ================ 巧逢英文詩開版，來道賀！ 不巧正整理舊詩作中，就把這拙作遞上 請試刀！ 又：不會還得翻成古詩詞吧？ 天下文壇 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 22:51 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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| 回覆： | 這是以古詞牌調子. | 第 2 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 22:51
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這是以古詞牌調子. 摘自 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 22:51 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl 1 此貼您已經花了1 園閱讀費，可以閱讀 *@@* 了,要看仔細 貼主共投資了 10 園血本，每份定價 1 園出售 貼主目前虧損 -9 園 購買者1人 1 1 這是以古詞牌調子試作英詩，詩詞創作版上發表過的． Oh! Transforming is your inner soul's breathing. Stunning, is the secret heart's revealing. Wild west desert trespasses,touches our very being, Beyond life's aching, now your spirit's leaping. Endless! Endless! Our cherished dreams shall be. ＝＝＝＝＝＝＝ 如夢令＿心旅 兀的誰來魂渡？ 驚歎其間表露。 回首忘沙痕， 飛越隱林愁霧。 無處。 無處。 巴得夢懷歸路。 天下文壇 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 22:51 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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| 回覆： | 一點建議： ----. | 第 3 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 22:52
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一點建議： ----. 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 22:52 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl 一點建議： 寒鴉詞長好！試刀不敢，大家交流嘛！我來學習！ The Missing Forest 是一首很有味道的詩，由於詩的活動空間在失憶的林間，所以建議用 Lost Forest 可能好一點，有存在的感覺，Missing 則有不見了的味道。其他的部分調整了一些，給您參考。 The Missing Forest Hidden, in the lost forest, To board, my leashed soul, Wonder, life and fate shuffle, You still on call, breathing as usual I never ceased, aging same young color In the lost forest, the core Flying, my thoughts moving Leaping, my lost soul jumping Once again, we are together, My very soul you took abroad, and the very youＩ have paddled. The Midday light shines, Not for others but your brilliance, Passion like a dear kiss, Evolving from inner of Oasis 這失憶的林間 潛藏 繫著我的魂 迴盪 緣盡 緣滅 緣生 緣起 不盡的是你 依然的呼吸如昨 不滅的是我 新染的青春如昔 在這被遺忘的 林間 讓 我的異想推前 行進 讓 那忘了的我 跳越飛奔 你帶走的我 我留下的你 再一度 在此相遇 晌午的陽光 不是別的 就是你 和你的燦然 如同綠洲裡 冒出來的 一個全然深吻 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 22:52 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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| 回覆： | 您早！ ----其�. | 第 4 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 22:52
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您早！ ----其�. 摘自 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 22:52 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl 您早！ 其實，這兩首皆以英文起寫的． 之後試著意翻成中文新詩或古詩詞,翻寫得並不好. 或許我可將之上您建議的 the lost forest 再evolve 成14行詩什麼的. 但沒有基本知識. 上回莫兄曾提出一些書單, 我則因仍苦練絕律小令中, 沒分神去買來研讀. 或許莫兄可給些摘要提綱以便起步． i'll take sometime latter, ponding on this poem. thanks for your heartful attention and great advises. let's enjoy our journey! wish you all have a wonderful holiday season!! merry merry christmas! 天下文壇 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 22:52 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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| 回覆： |
__The Lost Forest -- |
第 5 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 22:53
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__The Lost Forest -- 摘自 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 22:53 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl __The Lost Forest Hidden, in the lost forest, To board, my leashed soul, Wonder, life and fate shuffle, You still on call, breathing as usual. I never ceased, aging same young color In the lost forest, the core Venturing, my imagination flying, Leapping, my lost soul disclosing, Once again, we are forming. My very self you took abroad, and the very youＩ have paddled. The Midday light sprouting, not for others but your brilliance, refreshing like a high kiss, in ecstasy Evolving from the interior Oasis 天下文壇 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 22:53 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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| 回覆： | ----------------------. | 第 6 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 22:54
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----------------------. 摘自 天下文壇 畢冷 2005-05-07 22:54 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 您好！不怕您笑話，我是真沒經驗哪！大家一起交流，學習，有什麼建議就提出來，不要客氣，也請不要介意！ __The Lost Forest Hidden, in the lost forest, To board, my leashed soul, Wonder, life and fate shuffle, You still on call, breathing as usual. I never ceased, aging same young color In the lost forest, the core Venturing, my imagination flying, 喜歡。 Leapping, my lost soul disclosing, 有點硬，要不要再換個字？ Once again, we are forming. 這句很漂亮！ My very self you took abroad, and the very youＩ have paddled. The Midday light sprouting, 可以，可是不夠深刻 not for others but your brilliance, refreshing like a high kiss, in ecstasy 不用 High 比較順, 如果用 refreshing 後面用 in ecstasy 有點矛盾喔。 refreshing from a ecstasy kiss Evolving from the interior Oasis interior 不適合 建議：Evolving spring from inner of Oasis 最後一段參考： The mid-day light glowing, not for others but your brilliance. Soothing as refreshing from ecstasy kiss, Joy likes the spring evolving in oasis or Joy as finding springs in oasis. 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢冷 2005-05-07 22:54 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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| 回覆： | 另外，以英文起寫. | 第 7 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 22:55
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另外，以英文起寫. 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 22:55 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl 另外，以英文起寫的話，您的詩也挺可愛的啊！ 一點點建議如下： The lost forest Where my soul is bound Through the wonder of fate Through the youth never ceased (Through the ceaseless youth) The imagination is in movement My leaps in ecstasy is growing The midday light glows Like nothing but your brilliance Like a kiss evolving from oasis 如夢令＿心旅 Oh! Transforming, your soul is breathing, The secret of heart is revealing. Stunning, It touches our very being, Thru Wild West deserts, and passing, Your spirit is now leaping! Beyond life's miserable aching. Endless! Endless! How dreams will be cherished, And they shall be! 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 22:55 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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| 回覆： | 寒鴉詞長好！ --<. | 第 8 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 22:55
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寒鴉詞長好！ --<. 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 22:55 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl 寒鴉詞長好！ 假如有需要的話，可以把﹝如夢令＿心旅﹞另貼主題交流，比較不會與 The Lost Forest 篇重疊。 The journey has begun! Yes, indeed, and one thing very important is that-- while we walk on the path, we shall and have to enjoy it; otherwise it will cease away the pounding energy. Thanks for the Greeting! Merry Christmas to you too! 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 22:55 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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| 回覆： | 如夢令＿心旅 --O. | 第 9 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 22:56
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如夢令＿心旅 --O. 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 22:56 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl 如夢令＿心旅 Oh! Transforming, your soul is breathing, The secret of heart is revealing. Stunning, It touches our very being, Thru Wild West deserts, and passing, Your spirit is now leaping! Beyond life's miserable aching. Endless! Endless! How dreams will be cherished, And they shall be! Oh! Transforming, your soul is breathing, The secret of heart is revealing. Stunning, It touches our very being, Thru Wild West deserts, and passing, Your spirit is now leaping! Beyond life's miserable aching. Echoing....To be or not to be... ....To be or not to be? How dreams were cherished, And they shall be! Endless! Endless! How dreams faded, And then vanished 無處翻譯成 Endless 不完整，可以考慮用 To be or not to be? 以上，幾種結局參考！ ................................................................................... 如夢令＿心旅 兀的誰來魂渡？ 驚歎其間表露。 回首忘沙痕， 飛越隱林愁霧。 無處。 無處。 巴得夢懷歸路。 這是以古詞牌調子試作英詩，詩詞創作版上發表過的． Oh! Transforming is your inner soul's breathing. Stunning, is the secret heart's revealing. Wild west desert trespasses,touches our very being, Beyond life's aching, now your spirit's leaping. Endless! Endless! Our cherished dreams shall be. 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 22:56 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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| 回覆： |
__The Lost Forest -- |
第 10 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 22:57
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__The Lost Forest -- 摘自 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 22:57 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl __The Lost Forest Hidden, in the lost forest, To board, my leashed soul, Wonder, life and fate shuffle, You still on call, breathing as usual. I never ceased, aging any young color, In this lost forest, the core. Venturing, my imagination flying, Leaping, my lost soul dancing, Once again, we are forming. My very self you took abroad, and the very youＩ have paddled. The mid-day light glowing, not for others but your brilliance, Refreshing as a dear kiss, Joys like the spring's spring, Evolving from inner oasis. ====================== 這失憶的林間 潛藏 繫著我的魂 迴盪 緣盡 緣滅 緣生 緣起 不盡的是你 依然的呼吸如昨 不滅的是我 新染的青春如昔 在這被遺忘的 林間 讓 我的異想推前 行進 讓 那忘了的我 跳越飛奔 你帶走的我 我留下的你 再一度 在此相遇 晌午的陽光 不是別的 就是你 和你的燦然 如同綠洲裡 冒出來的 一個全然深吻 天下文壇 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 22:57 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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| 回覆： | wow! Beautiful! Here com. | 第 11 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 22:59
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wow! Beautiful! Here com. 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 22:59 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl wow! Beautiful! Here comes a blowing kiss..... 好漂亮啊！很喜歡！尤其是結語的 Spring's spring ..... (High-five) __The Lost Forest Hidden, in the lost forest, To board, my leashed soul, Wonder, life and fate shuffle, You still on call, breathing as usual. I never ceased, aging one young color, In this lost forest, the core. Venturing, my imagination flying, Leaping, my lost soul dancing, Once again, we are forming. My very self you took abroad, and the very youＩ have paddled. The mid-day light glowing, not for others but your brilliance, Refreshing as a dear kiss, Joys like the springs' spring, Evolving from inner oasis. 參考：只有這裡用 any 才有否定的效果，又 One, any 或 same color 你可多吟哦幾次後決定，都好。 Joys 唸起來比較漂亮， 其他的可說 perfect 了！好棒喔！ 恭喜！ 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 22:59 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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| 回覆： | 剛纔方讀到兩位詞. | 第 12 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 23:01
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剛纔方讀到兩位詞. 摘自 天下文壇 莫名 2005-05-07 23:01 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl 剛纔方讀到兩位詞長的帖子﹐遲復為歉! 我手頭沒有英詩方面的電子材料﹐只有凡書。讀點皮毛的也是為了漢詩的借用﹐故未能提綱摯領﹐很難從浩瀚的文獻裡選出幾段來奉獻給諸位。這類的網站應有不少﹐大家可分頭尋找﹐得以共享。比如﹕ http://poetry.about.com/od/poeticforms/ 莫名 敬啟 天下文壇 天下文壇 莫名 2005-05-07 23:01 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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| 回覆： | ＿＿The Lost Forest (�. | 第 13 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 23:02
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＿＿The Lost Forest (�. 摘自 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 23:02 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl ＿＿The Lost Forest (原短篇修正) The lost forest Where my soul to bound Through the wonder of fate Through the never ceased youth Now the imagination is in movement My leaps in ecstasy is growing The mid-day light glows Like nothing but your brilliance Like a kiss evolving from oasis 天下文壇 天下文壇 寒鴉 2005-05-07 23:02 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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| 回覆： | ＿＿The Lost Forest (�. | 第 14 樓 |
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時間：2005-05-07 23:02
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＿＿The Lost Forest (�. 摘自 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 23:02 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl ＿＿The Lost Forest (原短篇修正) The lost forest Where my soul to bound Through the wonder of fate Through the never ceased youth Now the imagination is in movement My leaps in ecstasy is growing The mid-day light glows Like nothing but your brilliance Like a kiss evolving from oasis 很漂亮，Now 用的很好，有一亮的感覺呢！ 您感覺到 To Bound, to board 及 leashed 幾個字的不同情感味道了吧？ 呵... 呵 .... 英文原創，To bound 是很自然流露出來的，很好。 以中譯的 魂繫 及 回蕩 強調的情感，不自由的無奈卻又流離的感覺，您把這樣的情緒灌進去，味道就會出來了！這樣，感情流暢的很自然，讓人不但在欣賞時看見字面上表達的情緒，也能體會到作者在詩中潛藏的情感，這種味道在反覆祖嚼後仍有餘韻回蕩..... Congratulations! You are good. You caught up well, way to go! Big Hands. (Clapping sound---PAPAPAPA) 詩苑是您的家，有空要常回家看看，多貼文讓大家欣賞！祝 好！ PS 交流中難免會有參考類的建議，有時可能沒注意到用字或情緒，希望您不介意。 從 Before --- After，我很 enjoy 中間的 Process 過程呢！很為您高興，恭喜。我自己也學習了好多呢。 天下文壇 天下文壇 畢泠 2005-05-07 23:02 http://yuhsia.com/ccb/index.pl |
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漢語在線 ~ 迴風小築 ~ 相逢即有緣，給您最大的祝福 ... |
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